RAMBLINGS VOL 13
I've been struggling a lot lately with insecurities and as I read THIS post it was as if a lightbulb went off in my head and the things that I have been over analyzing became a bit clearer.
To start off let me say that these past 8 + years have been a whirlwind of change. I spent 5 years after high school working with a non-profit missionary organization. Which took my little unsure self and stretched it beyond what I thought possible. I had to become a "leader" and even now this term freaks me out a little bit. Yes, I love to be in control but that it very different then leading teams to different countries for 2 months at a time. During this time I fell in love with an amazing man. We grew to know each other, but we were both from different states, different life backgrounds.
We were living this crazy life of traveling the world and meeting so many different types of people and you would think that this would ready you for the crazy world out there, but for me I was still living in a sheltered bubble of routine.
Then only a few months after finishing up working with this organization Marcus and I had a whirlwind engagement and wedding. Not to mention that only 3 weeks after being married we moved to a completely new city to start a life that we weren't completely sure about, which ended up looking like us both going back to school and here we are almost ready to graduate in May.
With all this change my heart learned to cope and mask its insecurities. Looking back now this is clear, but during it all I can see areas that I stunted my own growth. I will say that during those 5 years before we got married I went through a lot of healing and growth in my life, I would have never even got married if I didn't. But I also see how I relied on that season of growth to carry me through these past 5 years.
Becoming a wife was one of the best and I would later see the hardest days for me. I have loved becoming a wife, learning to love and be loved. To share life with someone that you care for is truly beautiful, but not always in the fairytale way. It is beautiful to encounter hardships and trials and choose to stick together and become stronger together because of it. It is hard because it showed me how selfish I am, how I didn't truly understand how to accept and give love. I see now that I have a lot of work to do. I want to become a better wife, future mother and friend. I want to be selfless in how I care for others, I dont want to be so concerned with how it affects me. To overanalyzing all of the "potential" reactions to how I want to love someone that I freeze up and never act on those desires to abandon all insecurities in relationships.
I am so happy for the season that I have been given, to grow and mature. Now I see that this is just another chance to grow and become a better person, someone stronger, happier, free.
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